Of Captains Other than Me. (Part 1)

It occurs to me that my name (Captain Ook, if you haven't been paying attention) is very similar to some other notable Captains, mainly Captain Hook and Captain Cook

"Ook" has nothing to do with either of these people, and to alleviate any possible confusion here is the start of a comprehensive ranking of notable captains:

Captain Crunch.
This guy deserves no respect. He's maybe 4 feet tall, has a gut and no muscle tone whatsoever, and he's at least 70 years old. If he were ever any kind of real captain he would have been made Admiral a long time ago.

Also, his cereal has bad cases of the soggies and the Tastes-like-sawdusts.

Awesome Rating: Kelp, limp and uninteresting.

Captain Hook

This guy had everything going for him, sweet ship, a full non-mutinous crew, a huge hat, and a real sword. Yet he managed to blow it when when he was absolutely destroyed by a couple of kids with sticks and a six inch pixie.

How incompetent do you hafta be to let that happen? Also he was eaten by a crocodile. good captains don't get themselves killed. Though if I failed as miserably as ol' Hook I'd consider becoming croc food too.

Awesome Rating: Sea Slug; slimy and useless.

Captain Morgan

Holy crap! After raising himself to "fame and fortune by his valor" he was elected Admiral of Jamaica and used his fleet to take control of the Providence Island forts from the Spanish.

He managed to recruit over 500 of the best pirates in the Caribbean by dressing just like in that picture and strutting around being awesome in all the seediest places around.

He then managed to destroy a much larger Spanish fleet at Porto Bello, after which places like Panama decided to pay him not to kick their asses.

After capturing or destroying several more Spanish ships/forts, Morgan decided to attack Panama anyway. In a land battle he held his lines and flanked the Panama troops adding another victory notch to his belt.

Apparently taking Panama violated a peace treaty, so England arrested him. Morgan laughed at this and instead of going to jail he walked away knighted.

Also, " He was also one of the few pirates who were able to retire from his piracy, having had great success, and with little legal retribution."

Awesome Rating: Cowboy riding a Phoenix shooting lasers at a space dragons; mind-blowingly epic.

K, bedtime. I'll make this an ongoing series, cause there is a metric frack-ton of captains for me to belittle / drool over.

Goodnight Blogosphere.