*Note* The first part of this title refers to the role of the Senate in Canadian Parliament, I'm not suggesting I was drunk when I wrote that last post, 'cause I wasn't, even if it may have read like I was.
I'm a little worried my first post may have been a little lofty and ambitious. I doubt anyone reading this blog will ever feel like they've been transported to Narnia, or Never-Never Land, or Disney Land.
When I write I get into a grandiose mindset and I say things like "grandiose" and "Sober Second Thought". For the most part The Blargg will be little more than a place for my mind to spew forth it's chunky broth of cheesy ideas and undercooked mental imagery.
yummy.
Now having said that, this may well be the end of our adventures together 'cause I'm about to be destroyed by evil alien spider parasite(s).
It all started with an innocuous back scratch.
While scratching said back I felt beneath my fingers and odd squishy lump.
"A back zit?!?" I mused.
I've had plenty 'o face zits, the occasional neck zit, and very rarely a shoulder zit, but never a back zit.
Clearly this warranted further investigation.
Upon shirt lifting-mirror examination the aforementioned odd squishy lump was revealed to be "Definitely not a zit!"
The disturbing protrusion was found to be a nipple-sized bulbous red sac with a black eight-pronged figure radiating from its center. Keep in mind that my viewing angle was awkward at best, but I swear i saw it pulsating.
"What the hell!" I calmly stated, without the slightest hint of sheer terror in my voice.
I promptly concluded that a demonic arachnid had laid eggs in back which were now hatching and preparing to burst forth like the aliens in alien, but instead of being an adorable jello covered Muppet greeting me from my chest, It would be millions of alien spiders exploding out of my back like evil blood-soaked popcorn of doom.
Or maybe I have a tick?
I asked my brother to take a look but he wouldn't come within 10 feet of my after I uttered the word "tick".
I asked my mom, who promptly replied "THAT'S NOT A TICK, IT'S A SKIN CANCER!"
By this point my brother had done a Google image search for something like "eye raping skin horror" and came up with a vomit-inducing selection of terribleness.
Based on these images, we were able to conclude that I definitely have melanoma
or leprosy
or flesh eating disease
or evil alien parasites.
So now forgoing a fine dinner meal I find myself sitting at a walk-in clinic, awaiting a medical professional to stare wide-eyed at my back and say "OH my God Were all Gunna DIE!!!!!" or something along those lines.
I don't have Wi-Fi here so I'll just leave a bunch of ellipses here and then pick up with this post after the doc has seen me, if I'm still alive.
..................
K, Back at home base, still alive, for now.
Here's what you missed:
Receptionist-Nurse Lady escorted me to the littler waiting room and asked why I had come.
Fighting the urge to scream "Alien Spiders are living in my back!" I replied "Um, I've got something on my back... like a tick... or a malignant tumor."
She stared at me for a moment before saying "Lets hope for a tick..." I nodded.
Thousands of seconds later the doctor appeared, I showed him, and he said "It's not a tick."
He elaborated by saying that it is a "suspicious and aggravated mole"
What I heard was "The bulbous pulsating thing on your back suspects you mean it harm and is really really pissed!"
I fought the urge to shout "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" and instead just whimpered "uh-huh..."
He then told me he wasn't equipped to handle it tonight (Neither am I!) and I'd have to come back next week to get it excised and sent to a lab for testing.
For a minute my brain equated "excised" with "exercised" and I was expecting a priest to remove it by tossing on some holy water and yelling about the power of Christ, before trapping it, poking it with needles, and putting it in a wooden crate for storage beside the Ark of the Convent.
If you could see what's on my back you'd agree that this sequence of events is exactly the necessary course of action (though maybe with more cleansing fire needed).
The actual plan of freezing it, chopping it out, and shoving it in a test tube is clearly an under-reaction. They should at least have the army on standby.
Wow, this turned into a monster of a post. I'll make an effort to keep future posts shorter and less disgusting. I apologize to all my hypothetical readers out there.
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